4 Ways to Become Sex-Positive
“Having a sex-positive mindset can not only improve your sex life but other aspects of your wellbeing, too...”
- Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn
Sex positivity, you have probably heard of this term a lot in mainstream media. In the last decade, we have seen this term and concept rise throughout society. Yet, what does this mean? As the name implies, it means being positive, open, and non-judgemental when it comes to the topic of sex. Goody Howard puts it perfectly, "sex positivity is the idea that people should have space to embody, explore, and learn about their sexuality and gender without judgment or shame."
What we know of today's sex positivity movement can be traced back to the sexual liberation movement in the 1960s and 70s. The sex positivity movement is in response to concerns about patriarchal influences on cultural views regarding sexuality. The term sex-positive began to be popular in the 1990s to educate about safe sex, embrace sexual pleasure, and empower all people. Ideally, women, to take control over their consent and pleasure.
But what are the ways that I can become sex-positive? Here are 5 ways to rethink and redefine what sex means to you and become more sex-positive!
Educate
It is essential to take time to learn and educate ourselves about how our intersectional identity (gender identity, sexual orientation, race, social class…) and systems of control (government, education, etc.) does indeed affect the way we view, talk, and act about sex. The Sexual Script is one notable theory that mentions that it is the guideline for appropriate sexual behavior and sexual encounters when interacting with one another. Sexual scripts are based on shared cultural ideals and social norms. Some examples include sex should be initiated non-verbally and by men, and women should submit to their partners. Another one, sexual double standards, refers to how men and women are judged differently for their sexual behaviors. When a man sleeps with many women, he is seen as a winner/player, but if a woman does that, she is considered a slut/whore. Both ideas restrict and control women's sexual autonomy, further reinforcing them to conform to their gender roles. It is important to be aware of these ideologies as these social norms permit us to reach greater sexual freedom and equal gender rights. We as a society must challenge these notions and speak out on them because we all have the right to be sexual (or nonsexual) beings regardless of our gender identity and sexual orientation.
Explore
Are there kinks, sex positions, or certain fantasies you want to try out? Try them out and explore them either with yourself and/or with your partner(s), as long as you both talk it out before and come from an open-minded perspective! Touch your body, explore your senses, and find out what you don't like and like! Porn can be a source of learning your new kinks and sexual fantasies. Yet, most of the porn consumed is a very unhealthy portrayal of what sex should look like. The majority of people learn sex through porn, as our sex ed has failed us. Porn objectifies, sexualizes, and is very aggressive towards women and other gender/sexual minorities who don't fit the stereotypical white, heterosexual, cisgender man category. Hence it is important to seek alternative feminist porn that showcases different types of sex and intimacy.
Environment
Our surroundings influence who we are. Finding spaces where you can express your sexuality without stigma is significant. From community-based to friend groups, it is essential to find people who can support and uplifts your sexuality with love and no judgment. You might want to find new friends if they are shaming you for it. Trust me, I've been in that situation, and it puts you back to square one and makes you feel there's something wrong with talking about sex. You should be comfortable expressing your sexual desires with your friends regardless of yours/theirs gender identity and sexual orientation.
Express & Embrace
Let's not shame others for their sexual or nonsexual lifestyles! Instead, let's embrace it!
Start your day with sex-positive affirmations such as "My sexuality and pleasure are valid" and "I am in full control of my sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors."
Talk or journal out your sexual fantasy, thoughts, and desires. Your sexual strengths and weaknesses include "I am a great lover/giver, but I am still too shy to ask for my own pleasure" You can also write out what consent means to you, your boundaries, and so forth!
Read more sex literature, from smut to sexual health!
Integrate more sex-positive content in your daily life by following more sex-positive, educational pages on social media.
Play sex card games that encourage you and your friend(s)/partner(s) to talk about sex!
Being sex-positive doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lot of time to externalize and work through all of the shaming messages about sex. If you are reading this to the end, then congratulations for taking your first step towards becoming more sex positive! We must deconstruct and redefine these ideologies to get past and become more sexually fulfilled and sex-positive. Doing so helps us think more critically, become less judgmental and more compassionate to ourselves and others.
